Why am I Different?
If I only had a dollar each time I asked myself these simple question as a young boy…Why am I different? What is it about me that makes me feel this way? Why me? Does anyone else see it? The last question scared me the most. What if someone else detected that I was ‘different’ than everyone else that I knew (or thougth I knew).
I can’t really pinpoint an exact year or time in my life when I realized that I liked boys more than girls. And no I wasn’t molested by a male relative or male friend; I just simply was attracted to boys. Now as a young boy myself I didn’t understand these feelings, thoughts or reactions to my body that I experienced. All I knew is that seeing another cute boy or that underwear model in the Sears catalog, stirred something inside of me.
As each year passed, I realized that my attraction to boys was very real however growing up in a small rural, conservative community in north Missouri and in an even more private, conservative family; I was convinced that something was horribly wrong with me. I was abnormal. I was a huge disappointment to anyone that knew me. I was shameful to my family, my community and my church and definitely was going to be condemned to the fiery pits of hell for the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. I was scared shitless, had no one to talk to, and could not get myself deep enough into my ‘closet’ nor could I put too many deadbolts and locks on that door.
It was then that I promised myself (around the age of 14) that NO ONE could ever learn ’my secret’ and that I would go to ANY lengths necessary to ensure that on one ever found out.
gnd said,
June 13, 2009 at 10:07 pm
Dear, sweet Sur. This devastates me. That I could count you a close friend, hit the links with you (is that how they say it?), talk for hours about B. and training and basketball, and never know how you were feeling… I am truly very sorry. And the worst of it is, had you told me then, I wouldn’t have understood it at all.
I remember the very first “gay” conversation I had, and it occurred around the age you made your promise (don’t forget, I came from an even smaller community than you!). It was at church camp. One of the counselors used the word “homosexual”. My friend and I exchanged looks, though niether of us were familiar with the term. We asked the counselor to explain. She said, “Oh, that’s when a girl likes a girl”. We said, “Oh”, still confused. Then one of us asked, “Well, what is it when a boy likes a boy” and she said, “Same. Homosexual”. Then I said, “Okay. Well what’s it called when a girl likes a boy?” and she said, “Oh, that’s just normal”. And that was that.
How lonely you must have felt. How sorry I am to hear it. How wonderful to see you now–happy, healthy, hopeful. And here!
surmesure2009 said,
June 15, 2009 at 2:04 am
Isn’t that so true…..NORMAL….who are we to define what normal is, especially when we can be responsible for shaping young minds and thoughts. You have given me yet another topic for a post….church and normal! Thank you for your support.
Miss Diagnosed said,
June 13, 2009 at 11:27 pm
Su mesure–
I certainly can relate to your post–perhaps not to the small town/conservative household portion of it (READ: I was raised in a bustling, ivy-league port city), but the recognition that what one feels when one is _that_way_ is best kept under wraps until one is safely removed from one’s family of origin. Perhaps in my case, the betrayals within my family ran so deep that my homosexuality was the least of my reasons for committed secrecy.
surmesure2009 said,
June 15, 2009 at 2:03 am
Miss Diagnosed…..Thank you for your response. I am hopeful I can reach others that have or are going through what we went through. There is hope … we both are examples.