The Lengths One Will Go To…..
First of all, I want to thank Miss Diagnosed and GND for their comments to my first posting. It has given me the encouragement to go on and keep posting. I hope to hear from more people regarding my blog so that we can start a free flowing dialogue. Feel free to ask anything and I do mean anything.
When I look back at my life, it amazes me what great lengths I went to, to ensure that my secret remained just that….a dark, dirty secret. Growing up I always took great pride in myself that I was a motivated, honest, caring, trustworthy, loving individual on the outside; however in my closet, I would not only lie, cheat, and steal but, I hurt others, became dependent on alcohol and other drugs and put myself in several potentially dangerous situations. All in an effort to attempt to satisfy that part of me that was longing to be shared with another man.
That longing grew in intensity as each year passed. As did my desperate attempts to find what I considered then to be true happiness, not to mention the growing paranoia inside me that kept telling me…someone is going to find out! The paranoia that was constantly intensifying could only be suppressed with a drink or a xanax or both which inevitably led to another and yet another almost on a daily basis. My life became such a vicious circle…First I would find some excuse to go out of town then I would hook up with some random guy (a total stranger) in a motel room and do god knows what with then return home and crawl in the gin bottle and the pill bottle all the while putting on a ‘happy’ face and being the married man that I was supposed to be. One and on and on. This self destructive cycle continue for nearly thirteen years.
I can’t say that I am proud of what I did over those thirteen years while I was married but nor can I deny what happened. I also cannot find it in myself to regret those events of my past because I truly believe that each and every random hook up led me to where I am today.
Unfortunately, there has been collateral damage because of my actions of thirteen years.
clancyjane said,
June 15, 2009 at 2:35 pm
“a motivated, honest, caring, trustworthy, loving individual on the outside”.
yes. you were. truly. which is why the deception took such a toll. you were destroying yourself, your spirit, behaving in a deceptive way that was not true to your nature. i’m not surpised you needed gin and xanax to get it done, to not be fully who you were.
i’m thinking of a boy, determined, resilient, loyal, who, to fulfill his obligations and meet his responsibilities to his team, suffered through painful injuries (and painfully icy cures). i’m thinking what it would’ve cost him to do otherwise, to not “be who he was”. and i completely understand the gin and xanax.
that you can face and embrace your past honestly is a very brave thing.
this account is more fully reflective of who you are. honest. brave.
bravo.
surmesure2009 said,
June 15, 2009 at 3:51 pm
oh clancjane you are too kind. Thank you for your encouragement to start a blog…it has provided quite a nice ‘release’.