The Lengths One Will Go To…..
First of all, I want to thank Miss Diagnosed and GND for their comments to my first posting. It has given me the encouragement to go on and keep posting. I hope to hear from more people regarding my blog so that we can start a free flowing dialogue. Feel free to ask anything and I do mean anything.
When I look back at my life, it amazes me what great lengths I went to, to ensure that my secret remained just that….a dark, dirty secret. Growing up I always took great pride in myself that I was a motivated, honest, caring, trustworthy, loving individual on the outside; however in my closet, I would not only lie, cheat, and steal but, I hurt others, became dependent on alcohol and other drugs and put myself in several potentially dangerous situations. All in an effort to attempt to satisfy that part of me that was longing to be shared with another man.
That longing grew in intensity as each year passed. As did my desperate attempts to find what I considered then to be true happiness, not to mention the growing paranoia inside me that kept telling me…someone is going to find out! The paranoia that was constantly intensifying could only be suppressed with a drink or a xanax or both which inevitably led to another and yet another almost on a daily basis. My life became such a vicious circle…First I would find some excuse to go out of town then I would hook up with some random guy (a total stranger) in a motel room and do god knows what with then return home and crawl in the gin bottle and the pill bottle all the while putting on a ‘happy’ face and being the married man that I was supposed to be. One and on and on. This self destructive cycle continue for nearly thirteen years.
I can’t say that I am proud of what I did over those thirteen years while I was married but nor can I deny what happened. I also cannot find it in myself to regret those events of my past because I truly believe that each and every random hook up led me to where I am today.
Unfortunately, there has been collateral damage because of my actions of thirteen years.
Why am I Different?
If I only had a dollar each time I asked myself these simple question as a young boy…Why am I different? What is it about me that makes me feel this way? Why me? Does anyone else see it? The last question scared me the most. What if someone else detected that I was ‘different’ than everyone else that I knew (or thougth I knew).
I can’t really pinpoint an exact year or time in my life when I realized that I liked boys more than girls. And no I wasn’t molested by a male relative or male friend; I just simply was attracted to boys. Now as a young boy myself I didn’t understand these feelings, thoughts or reactions to my body that I experienced. All I knew is that seeing another cute boy or that underwear model in the Sears catalog, stirred something inside of me.
As each year passed, I realized that my attraction to boys was very real however growing up in a small rural, conservative community in north Missouri and in an even more private, conservative family; I was convinced that something was horribly wrong with me. I was abnormal. I was a huge disappointment to anyone that knew me. I was shameful to my family, my community and my church and definitely was going to be condemned to the fiery pits of hell for the thoughts and feelings I was experiencing. I was scared shitless, had no one to talk to, and could not get myself deep enough into my ‘closet’ nor could I put too many deadbolts and locks on that door.
It was then that I promised myself (around the age of 14) that NO ONE could ever learn ‘my secret’ and that I would go to ANY lengths necessary to ensure that on one ever found out.
IN/OUT/ON 